SCRUFFWATCH 2008: COLE HAMELS


WTF is that? That…scruff? That rubbish
that mars the otherwise beautiful face of Cole Hamels? I nearly
screamed when I went to phillies.com and saw this picture there. Cole
Hamels is gorgeous. He might very well be be the best-looking
baseball player currently in the game. And then he goes and defaces his
beautiful face with that scruff. In return, I had to take my red pen to
that scruff because…well…it couldn’t look much worse than it
already does, right? What’s a little red pen between a grammar/baseball
fiend and her favorite pitcher, right?

Hamels, who do you think you are, Jack from Lost? You’re sporting about the same amount of stubbly scruff Jack always has on his face, but the difference is that he’s on an island in the middle of nowhere with no access to things like fresh razors, so he’s got an excuse. You? No excuse, Cole. None whatsoever. And please, please
clean up your pretty face before the evening of Monday, July 28. That’s
when I’ll be meeting you again, and taking a picture with you, and
telling you that you’re the best goddamn pitcher on my fantasy baseball
team. Notice I said I will be meeting and taking a picture with you, not you and your scruff.
Please, for the love of all that is BILFalicious, descruffify yourself
in the next 7 days, Cole. Please do not turn that thing on your chin
into (gasp!) a full-fledged beard or something. I
will cry. You don’t want to make me cry, do you, Cole? I didn’t think
so. So how ’bout you just show up to the Phillies Phestival next week
lookin’ like this…?

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