DAMMIT, HAMELS…

Dearest,
darling Cole…I thought we had an agreement. After learning about how
soon I picked you in my draft, you promised me that you’d do really
well the rest of this season so as to keep my fantasy baseball stats
up. And then what do you do?
You take a loss in a game against the Cardinals. I’m deeply saddened by this, Cole. I mean, you promised.
Must I go find a new favorite pitcher who keeps his promises to win
games for me and get me Ks?* Former Phillie Kyle Lohse did well in that
very game in which you took the loss, and I wouldn’t kick him outta my
bed for eating crackers, you know what I’m sayin’? C’mon, Cole, get
back on your game. I want some Ks from you. And, you know, a marriage
proposal, despite the fact that you’re already married. But those Ks
are mighty important, especially during fantasy baseball season–we can
talk marriage once the season is over, I’ve won my league, and the
Phils have won the World Series…sound good to you?

* I kid, I kid. Hamels will be my favorite pitcher for, like, ever. Even if he loses a game once in a while.

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