Oh my goodness! I could barely
write coherently about the All-Star Game–I was too busy fanning my
brow every time I saw Josh Hamilton do something hot, or swooning each
time I witness Joe Mauer lookin’ good… Below is my disjointed
recap/account of the NL and AL All-Star hotties. Keep in mind that it
might be a little biased since I was rooting for the NL to win this
–CHASE! Did you almost let that ball hit you in the head? Oh, c’mere, Chuttles. I’ll make it all better.
–OMG OMG OMG THERE’S JOSH HAMILTON!!!! Never mind that I didn’t know who he was 24 hours ago. I’m thisclose
to being obsessed. This is all the fault of his tattoos. if he didn’t
have all the tattoos, he’d just be kinda hot. But he is AMAZINGLY hot.
–JOE MAUER!!!! My new favorite catcher! I’m almost becoming convinced that AL players are hotter than NL players…
–Hey, Cliff Lee almost kinda-sorta looks like Mike Delfino. Hmmm…
pretty hot. I never noticed that before. Somebody’s gotta be a hot
Yankee now that Phillips isn’t on the team anymore. I guess that
somebody is A-Rod.
–Ryan Braun, you look so young. I can’t possibly think you’re cute; you look like your voice still squeaks when you talk.
–Chipper Jones…not bad, not bad.
Although if we’re talking Braves, I’m totally a Francoeur girl. But
Francoeur was nowhere near making it to the All-Star game this year.
Hell, he was barely back in major league baseball by that point…
Holliday, are you cute or not? Off with the hat. I can’t tell what the
hell you look like with that silly hat on. On a side note, I hate the
Rockies’ uniforms; they look so out of style.
–What is the deal
with Grady Sizemore? I’m not convinced he’s hot. Not at all. Sorry,
Grady’s Ladies. I just don’t see it. Yet. Convince me.
entire Texas Rangers team hot? They almost have more hot players than
the Phillies do. Holy crap, I think I actually have a reason to visit
–Justin Morneau–such a cutie. Not hot, necessarily, but cute.
–I cannot believe I dumped Evan Longoria off my fantasy team. IDIOT. IDIOT. IDIOT.
–Screw you, JD Drew. (All Phillies fans hate JD Drew. It’s a fact of life.)
Nathan? Is hot? He’s on my fantasy baseball team (picked purely for his
talent) and I didn’t even know he was kinda hot? WTF? Am I losing my
–Who is this Wilson dude on the Giants who’s hot? I need
to get to know this guy. And not because I need another reliever on my
fantasy team. (Note: upon further research, this guy is Brian Wilson.
It’s weird thinking someone with the same name as a Beach Boy is
–Billy Wagner, I effin’ HATE you even more than I usually hate you. WAY TO GO, JERKFACE.
–Screw you again, JD Drew.
–Ooh, I like it when the camera pans to the NL dugout. Hi, Chase!!!!!! [waves madly at the TV]
–Dan Uggla, you SUCK. You were cute until you made that error.
–Uggla, you’re pushing it. Error #2. Two in a row! Now you’re really not cute.
Corey Hart. Pat Burrell should have beaten you in the NL All-Star last
pick contest, you know. He’d have looked a hell of a lot better out
there. Granted, he still can’t run worth beans, but his hair would be
perfect. Because, you know, that sort of thing totally matters.
dugout? Josh sofreakinhotIjustwannascream Hamilton! *squeal* Hey!
Camera! No need to pan back to the game! We’re in extra innings. That’s
not exciting at all!
–McLouth, whoever you are, your hair is kinda hot.
–Ooooh, Brad Lidge. This guy’s growing on me. He’s kinda hot. He’s no Cole Hamels, but he’s not chopped liver, either.
–Crap. I wanted this crazy-long baseball game to end…but not like
that. Damn you, American League. I’d totally hate you right now if you
didn’t have a bunch of hot players on your All-Star team.
In conclusion: I really need to find another adjective to use besides the word hot. Thesaurus, here I come!