dearest darling Frenchie. Say it ain’t so! You’ve marred your
fresh-facedness with that ugly scruffy crap growing on the side of your
face. Now, look, I know that sometimes you silly athletes do crazy
things like vow to not change your socks until your hitting streak is
over, but you haven’t really been doing anything good this season,
Francoeur. Your numbers haven’t been that great, and in fact, you even
went on a little trip to the Minor Leagues. You have no way to justify
this scruff. You’re perfectly attractive, with a great smile and lively
eyes, when you’re not stubble-adorned. Dudes like Kevin Youkilis, who
are great baseball players but not at all attractive, can pull off this
crap on their face. But not you, Frenchie. You look much better
clean-shaven. You are too damn gorgeous to be scruffy. Maybe if you shave it, you’ll stop striking out so often. Hey, a girl can dream, right?
I took in the Phillies/Braves game at Citizens Bank Park in
Philadelphia on Sunday–that epic 12-10 game where the Phillies came
back from a 5-0 Braves lead to–amazingly–win the game.
During the course of this very lengthy game (which included a 2-hour
rain delay and then numerous home runs once the tarps were off the
field), I took about 70 pictures of Francoeur, to the point where my
dad told me I was being mildly embarrassing. Hell, there were 4 Braves
fans sitting behind us, and even they seemed uninterested in Francoeur.
I was the sole person clapping for Francoeur each time he was up to
bat–not that my cheering did him any good, as the best he did was walk
(he struck out every other time he was at bat). He’s still got a hell
of an arm, though–much to this Phillies fan’s dismay, he made a couple
really nice plays in right field. (It kinda made me want to pounce on
WTF is that? That…scruff? That rubbish
that mars the otherwise beautiful face of Cole Hamels? I nearly
screamed when I went to phillies.com and saw this picture there. Cole
Hamels is gorgeous. He might very well be be the best-looking
baseball player currently in the game. And then he goes and defaces his
beautiful face with that scruff. In return, I had to take my red pen to
that scruff because…well…it couldn’t look much worse than it
already does, right? What’s a little red pen between a grammar/baseball
fiend and her favorite pitcher, right?
Hamels, who do you think you are, Jack from Lost? You’re sporting about the same amount of stubbly scruff Jack always has on his face, but the difference is that he’s on an island in the middle of nowhere with no access to things like fresh razors, so he’s got an excuse. You? No excuse, Cole. None whatsoever. And please, please
clean up your pretty face before the evening of Monday, July 28. That’s
when I’ll be meeting you again, and taking a picture with you, and
telling you that you’re the best goddamn pitcher on my fantasy baseball
team. Notice I said I will be meeting and taking a picture with you, not you and your scruff.
Please, for the love of all that is BILFalicious, descruffify yourself
in the next 7 days, Cole. Please do not turn that thing on your chin
into (gasp!) a full-fledged beard or something. I
will cry. You don’t want to make me cry, do you, Cole? I didn’t think
so. So how ’bout you just show up to the Phillies Phestival next week
lookin’ like this…?